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My Blog
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So you want it darker
Posted:Aug 31, 2017 8:37 am
Last Updated:Dec 29, 2017 9:52 am

As a rulle I am a very vivacious, happy, girl with a sunny disposition. I have in my past been into BDSM. I walked away from that life style because I found my self surrounded by people that were not even remotely qualified to be called Master. Or they were simply enjoyers of giving pure pain for the sake of their own enjoyment in seeing others suffer. I spent ten years of my life in that life style. In my male persona (before I knew the woman within me) I had in my charge two wonderful women that would do any thing I asked and with great pleasure in doing so. To say the least I was blessed with the pleasure of Sunshine and Anna as my subs. They were in my charge and I took that responsibility very seriously. Something I saw very little of in other Dom/subs relationships. To be fair, very fair I'm sure there were other groupings out there that did take it very seriously and cherish their charges with great affection and care. It was a mater of where I was at. It seemed that most of the "new" people coming into the life style didn't seem to get the responsibility and meaning of BDSM. They came across as very selfish, self centered, with little concern for their subs/slaves and the responsibilities that go with it.

Needless to say Sunshine, Anna, and I did not attend too many munches with this new crew. We keep to mostly the similar friends we had developed over the years. All of us would lament at the cavalier attitude we saw in the scene. Fast forward a few years. Sadly Sunshine took ill and past away. I and Anna were devastated to say the least. A big part of my hart was cut out. I do so miss her and I'm sure Anna does too. We carried on without her but it was never the same. A couple of years later Anna wanted to do other things and we split up. We still to this very day love each other very much. Just not into the BDSM life style. I walked away from that life style thinking to never return. I carried on as the sexual pervert that I am and though that was the end of it. That part of my life is passed never to see again.

Now that I have discovered the woman within me. The lovely vivacious Leann. I have found that the BDSM life style seems to be attracted to me once again. Still at quandary how and why it is. This time I seem to have an affection for pleasurable pain some what. Quit a surprise to me I must say. Most defiantly not into torture, blood, scarring but there is something about being bound with rope that is scintillating to my physic. Something about flogging my back side red that intrigues me. I seem to have an affinity to nipple clamps, CBT, TENS, Sounding. All in the vein of pleasurable pain. The experience of sub space.

I'm not sure where this will lead or where I will go wit it. A continuing story.....Stay tuned campers.
Being at ease
Posted:Apr 3, 2016 8:04 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2020 5:51 pm

I did something today I have been thinking of doing for a long time. it was a kick back Sunday and for all the day and night I lounged around in just some very sexy panties and a low cut bra. Felt so good and so at ease with my self. It was exhilarating. I wish I could of had the liberty and freedom to do my nails and toenails, stay in make-up and just be Leann. Leann in the kitchen (Thinking of a cooking video; "Leann Cooks" or something like that.) Leann lounges on the couch and watches TV, Leann shops on Amazon. A real self indulgent day of being Leann, all Leann. Alas it is not possible to do that where I live now.
The thing that got to me was how at ease I was with it. How much I enjoyed the freedom in it and how I wished it would never end. Even if it was a limited affair.

This féminin thing
Posted:Jun 2, 2015 9:47 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2020 6:14 pm

This féminin thing, I love it and I hate it. Well hate is a little strong. Actually I like the feeling I get from sexy silk and nylons. The feel of my smooth skin, the sent of perfume, the feel of my breasts and nipples. The sliding of a soft hand with red long nails along my skin on nylon covered legs. Slowly gently moving up my thigh. Shoes and what they do to the physic. The feel of putting on make-up to see the inner her that is you, granted its still a work in progress. Getting one step closer to fulfilling that illusion. Kinky yeah, truth be known I am kinky, very kinky. Lifes little turns and crossroads in this journey called living. I am for better or worse experiencing something remarkable that few people go through. The realization that I like the her that is part of I in him that is me. This is all new to me and I am really still in shock. The questions do arise. Is this something that was always a part of me? Why now and not earlier on? Why do I love it so? Why do I still love guy things as well? Why do I feel more comfortable with each passing day in going between the two planes of being? As philosophically fascinating as they are they don't count as its here and its now. You have to deal with it and there are two paths you can go by in the long run. I can and I think I may embrace this feminine thing and enjoy the ride. Or I can fight it and go against the current. But the question that comes to mind is to what advantage.
This is ongoing, this doesn't end here. This musing will continue.
On a bitch
Posted:Jun 2, 2015 8:45 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2018 7:30 am

What is it with some people. No photos at all on their profile. I can understand no face pix but other photos of your body. In this day almost every one has a smart phone, a computer, and or a camera. There is no good reason you can't post a picture to your profile other than just being lazy. The old excuse is; Don't want any one to notice me from my business life. Well unless you work in the porno industry most people you work with wouldn't know what your cock or ass or pussy looked like. To my way of thinking if you don't put much effort into a profile page just how much effort are you going to put into a sexual relationship? Or are your suitors going to be doing all the heavy lifting? Usually along with no pictures all they have to say about themselves is they want to fuck you. That screams lazy not to mention you can't be bothered in describing your self or you think your not very interesting, either way it shows not much self respect. And if you don't have any respect for yourself how am I or any one else going to have any for you? The truth be known that if they post a picture you won't like them and some won't, thats the way of it and it would be boring if every body did. But no mater what you look like their is always something about a person that some one will find interesting, attractive, and yes stimulating. Another point not considered is; How can you flirt with some one who you don't know what they look like?

Now one of my other bitches. A guys orientation states straight yet clearly he is anything (butt) straight. Useulay a couple of girls a couple of CDs placed in amongst lots of dick pics. The stand by explanation is: Bi (my pun) stating a straight orientation "I can pick up girls better." News flash! Girls are not stupid or blind. Once they see your profile page their going to laugh their asses off at you. You just out your self as not only lying to others but lying to your self and becoming a first class fool. First off there is no way you can walk both side of the line without offending somebody. if your worried about getting straight chicks. Why are you on this site? Trust me there are plenty of women that like bi guys. Honesty goes a long way in setting up and keeping any relationship. The truth be know they don't want to be outed to straight guys that will defiantly look down on them. If your worried about being outed on a sex site, get off the internet. Otherwise grow up and grow a set. News Flash! If you like it up the ass and you suck cock as well as chicks your bi sexual.

From my experience it is usually but not all straight guys that want a bi or gay experience are users and abusers. Their all about fucking you not them. Give me head bitch and leave you in the learch. Well Homes don't walk dat trail. Sex should be but not limited too a shearing of each others desires. preferably hot, passionate, and sloppy. Ideally leaving each exhausted in bliss and satisfaction. Not let me abuse you to make me feel superior game. Granted if the two of you want to play that game by all means go for it just be up front about it.

We all have to come to terms of where we are on the sexual landscape. As for me I am more and more considering myself as pansexual for lack of a better term. Even though I have this feminem thing going on. Its such a love/hate thing. But more on that later. I am attracted to the person more so than anything else. What we want and feel now is not necessarily what we want and feel next week. What doesn't change is our need to be wanted and I dare say loved. And every body derives to be loved.
Up date to the Journey
Posted:May 30, 2015 5:24 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2018 7:33 am

In the last part of the Journey I wrote of my going through treatment for hepatitis C five years ago. Some how that last paragraph got deleted. I don't know how that happened but this site has had some glitches. Never the less, let me elaborate on that, as I am a open, honest, honorable person. I got hepatitis C from a blood transfusion from a traffic accident in 1983. I did not find out about it until I got health insurance five years ago and the test showed a very low count. I went through 26 weeks of treatment and it was though I was cured.
Well it was not cured only suppressed and hid in the bone marrow. Today I am in treatment with a new set of drugs that that say will kill it completely. The cost is $120K and if not for the Affordable Care Act I would not have been able to get this treatment. So I have 26 weeks to do this treatment. Hepatitis C is a blood borne aliment that can only be transmitted by blood to blood contact. So if you have an open wound, bleeding gums, or do needles (And I don't do needles) no sex period. Other wise its not that big of a deal. You can not have transmission of hepatitis C from swapping saliva, and cum. Condoms are suggested. I do safe sex any way until I know my lovers. I am tested every two weeks and I am STD and HIV Negative or anything else except the hepatitis C. As of the last test the count is down considerably in the low 600 so this stuff seems to be working.
I want all my friends to know the truth about Hepatitis C so some creditable sites you can get information are; World Health Organization/hepatitis C, Mayo Clinic
on hepatitis, and Harvard Medical/ treatment of Hepatitis C.

Thank you for your support and friendship

Update: Blood test results are back and I test negative for Hep C. Woopee! I am a very happy camper.

It is offical ! I am considered cured from hepatitis C .
Quite a Quandary
Posted:Mar 24, 2014 8:19 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2018 7:40 am

Well I don't know if I should be frustrated, elated, or completely wacked out. I have been under treatment with testosterone shots for eight months to treat a symptom called Gynecomastia (enlarged breasts in men). The doctors say I have had it from birth and in my body building days doing anabolic steroids did not help maters. The Tee shots are just not working and the doctors have nothing else to offer other than live with it. This disease comes back on you with a vengeance between 60 and 80 years of age. When I do a shot I get all buffed up and hairy for about two weeks then I revert to soft body and loose body hair. And the cycle repeats its self over and over again. Now most everybody that knows me knows I like kinky a lot. But this is weird kinky and it is fucking with my head. I like being a guy. Everybody has male and female attributes but I don't think there is a girl yearning to escape this male body. Maybe some where deep in the dark recesses of my inner being there is such a person. Don't know and why now would she make her self known? Although while waiting to get my hair cut I had this strange attraction to kitchen utensils in the department store next to Great Cuts (plug). LOL... I have toyed with kitting up (Do like the feel of silk/nylons on smooth skin) and working with it but the thing that blows it is although I might (underline might) make a rather convincing trainee the minute I open my mouth it blows the image. I have a rather low gruff voice and it would be liking looking at a voluptuous woman that sounds like a long shore man. Thats a frighting image for the mind; I can hear it now with that gruff low voice "Hay baby cum here and fuck me" What a scary thought. Then again that could be quite kinky to some. I guess I am sounding off on this to see if any one out there has had any experience with this type of problem and what they did about it. Or should I resign my self to this strange fate and make the best of it.
Which way?
Posted:Dec 17, 2013 9:27 am
Last Updated:May 8, 2020 5:55 pm

Which way do I like it? Which way do you like it? Lets face it, the truth be known all guys are tops. We all start out that way but some where along the way being a bottom becomes something you crave, or at least I do on occasion. The quandary is I love to top. The feeling of my cock sliding smoothly in a wet, warm pulsating ass or pussy is something to behold and feel. A feeling of attachment, a feeling of belonging seems to posses you as you get too it. The other side of that equation is the feeling of being fulfilled and the constance rubbing on your prostate that builds up the pressure. It hurts yet it feels so good, quite a quandary too say the least. Also something you crave. The one thing that bottoming with a dildo does a good job at that we often times gloss over is it can allow you the illusion of complete intercorse as with two people when in fact it is only one. Now that feeling of "having it all" can be had by three people when you are the middle part of a sandwich. "Note to self; I've got to try that". For all of this ass fucking to be enjoyable it should go without saying the lower GI tract needs to be completely clean. Along with copious amounts of lubrication. Some would say this is degenerate activity, some would not. But hay we are what we are. We love what we love.
Now we come to being versatile or doing both having the best of both worlds. It is not so much as a shifting between the physical aspects as it is about the mental aspects and holding that focus of perspective. Not an easy thing to do as your emotions are swirling about. It is too easy and enjoyable to shift between the two. The one problem i have had at times is when I am taking a large cock/dildo hard, fast, and deep in my ass. My cock and balls sometimes wants to crawl up into my abdominal cavity and hide. this makes topping at the same time all most impossible. fortunately most of this type of reaction can be countered with bata blockers like Viagra or Challis. Animal Nitrate (poppers) will have a similar but very temporary effect. then there are times when it is just nice to sit back and enjoy the ride.

I have found that with some people and the intensity that while fucking my ass my cock will get raging hard and I pre-cum like theres no tomorrow , much to my surprise and chagrin. Now if I could only get it on film and have it happen all the time.
Stood up
Posted:Nov 7, 2013 8:19 pm
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2017 7:33 am

Its been a long time since I was stood up for a date. The last time that happened I was in high school. Your probably thinking he's gonna rant and rave and get all angry. Well no, life is too short to get upset and angry over somebody flaking out for a date. Angry no, disappointed yes. I was up for meeting this person and it would have been nice to be with them, I think. Of corse I will never know. I sat at the bar drinking a Guinness and watching a basket ball game. We had agreed and reaffirmed the time place and date so it couldn't be because they forgot. When things like that happen all kinds of fantasies run through your head. After all you really don't know this person so you haven't a clue whats going on. Did they brake down? Did they get stopped by the police? Did they have an accident? All of these thoughts and then some run through anybody's mind. They have your cell number so if their running late they will call, won't they? Back to setting at the bar. Well no call it's 7:45 and we were supposed to meet at 7:30. After all they live close by they could practically walk to the bar. eight o'clock rolls around and still no show, no call. I'm outta here. I though to my self well at the least you got out, had a beer, and watched a good basket ball game Bulls/Suns that's the upside. Left the bar and went home. As I was driving back to my house I though what makes some one brake a date? I also though I have herd no shows happen a lot on sites like Trannydates. That couples with my first though, why? The number one answer that keeps coming up is Cold Feet. Cue James Browns Cold Sweat. Other things that could be the reason, well, all the possibilities mentioned earlier. Broken down auto, ect...ect... In all, the rub is in not knowing. It is far too easy to keep second guessing. That's quick sand, to be avoided at all costs. Well, no big deal you say to your self. Well, you will never know if it was a big deal. Hay this an't my first redo and it won't be my last.
In the other persons defense meeting some one for sex and especially alternative sex is a difficult thing. Especially if your new to this life style it can be scary. You don't know who they really are. Even after emails and phone calls your still a little apprehensive.
You though you wanted to do this but you really don't. It's that invisible line we should not cross. For once crossed there is no going back, forever. Hay, it's a tuff thing to do. Not every one is cut out for it and that's cool. Then there is the high visibility person. It is even tuffer for them, caution is the word, discreet is the game. All in all if it was supposed to happen it would have happen some would say. Thats probably true. A phone call or e mail "Hay, not going to make it", "can't do this" would have been nice. In addition some form of communication would have offered some closure and removed all doubt. But some people don't think that way. Hay They will get over it. After all it is just about sex, isn't it?
1 comment
Friends, Acquaintances , and Passersby
Posted:Sep 7, 2013 12:59 am
Last Updated:Sep 11, 2013 9:39 pm

To my way of thinking a friend is someone you not only share life with but someone you can lay down your shield and allow yourself to be open with them. They all most always have your best interest at hart, as should you for them. friends accept each other for who they are with no pretense, no expatiation. It's not that you don't see the short comings in each other. It is that they are not that important. If it holds true and I believe it does that you have a relationship with everybody you meet. It is a mater of how much of your time and self you are willing to invest in each one.
So whats the different between a friend and a good friend? Time, time spent learning to trust each other. Opening your hart with each other. Enjoy the presence of each other. Building respect for each other. Learning what makes the other tick. Both pulling the little red wagon in the same direction. Even if only for a short distance. Being in tune with each other to the point of finishing each others sentences, or better yet knowing when to be silent. Sensing the hart beat of the other. Those are some of the good points of a good friend. A good example from chemistry is bonding molecules and the attraction they have for each other. The heat that the two or more generates either bonds them inseparable, or bonding gives off a different charge, or at a certain temperature they separate. Friends are not collectables. There a cherished treasure and should be treated as such. I for one do intend as far as possible in establishing meaningful communication and personal interaction with every single one. Of the friends I know I have grown in so many ways and my hart and soul rejoice in their being. They have enriched my life in countless ways and I hope I have had the same effect on them. It is my sincere wish to meet with each and every one of them with in the year, If it is humanly possible.

An acquaintance is some one you run into every now and then. You are attracted to one an another when you are close to each other. You attach but don't really permanently bond. When you are with each other the sparks fly but both want their independence and revolve in separate spheres of existence that come in contact every now and then. Most casual dating is an acquaintance that may develop into friendship. Acquaintance is that exploratory state between two beings as they grow in knowledge of each other. That can and often do develop into friendships. Sometimes these encounters are so positive that we transpose friendship over acquaintance. I had a friend/acquaintance that would come into my life every six to nine months bringing joy, excitement, light, fiery heat. She would brighten up the darkest of days and never a bad feeling could you have. Like a comet traveling through the universe all fiery and bright but passes only once in a while. Then she would leave for parts unknown and darkness fell upon my hart.

Passers-by are the people on the street you say good mooring/day too. You meet them at parties, concerts, public functions. You invest little time with them other than the occasional small talk, en passe' as would say the French.
As we travel this journey called life it is some of the chance meetings we have en passe' that become some of the best memories of our souls. Passers-by are some of the games of chance in the casino of the universe. Passing some one and then turning around three or four step passed them and saying; Excuse me.... Some times offer up exceptional opportunities to enrich our lives and sprits. Most times we are fearful of embarrassment or fear of being hurt to do so. It is a mater of tuning into your intuition; Quick and ready insight. Not always easy to do.
Wanting A.K.A. Desire
Posted:Sep 5, 2013 8:45 pm
Last Updated:Sep 7, 2013 1:49 am

We all know we want for lack of a better word. But wait! here is the better word Desire cue Ecoplex. But how do we come to the conclusion of what we want a.k.a. desire? Is it to experience something different just because we want too? Is it that shallow? Or is there more to this desire than meets the eyes. Aha! the eyes windows to our souls. Portals for our observations while in this life if we choose to see. Is it wrong to want it all? Is that being a selfish hog? Or it is all there for you to have just don't abuse it. Because if you abuse it you loose it most of the time. So what is wanting and what is desiring? Wanting and having go hand in hand. Desiring and passion go hand in hand. Stay with me here. When you want something or some one a sense of possession goes with that sense of wanting. Not unlike I want that car, I want that ring, I want that girl, I want that guy. It is more the mechanics of being.
Desire is not a want it is a longing a passion. Desire equals passion which equals a longing for. To be with to be part of. Think about it. When we desire we crave. When we want we possess. When we possess something or some one we guard it control it, and compete for it like a prize in a contest. When we desire we long to be with in our life, part of us. Us and the object of our desire become one. It is a mater of allowing things to come into your life as opposed to forcing things to come into your life.

The american physic is known for instance gratification, I want it now thinking. Patience takes too long we get nerved out and restless. Why? Think about this we grew up with adds for toys and products. There was always a new one to get to keep up with the style. Most of them you lost interest in them with in minutes and on to the next one. Few of them held your interest for any length of time. The age of the internet and the computer. With the speed of the computer and the internet seeing something we want took on the trappings of a star ship with warp drive. This wait time has been speeding up exponentially since the sixties. Even the wait time to get what ever you ordered on the internet has excellerated. From a week in the late sixties to three days in the eighties, to order by noon get it the next day present tense.
So what am I leading up too? Conditioning. We have been and are being conditioned every day. We are coming to expect things to almost materialize instantly. This spills over into our relationships more than we realize. And at times causes more anxiety than there should be. It does excellerate the schema of want.

To be continued.
Posted:Sep 4, 2013 1:56 am
Last Updated:May 8, 2020 5:57 pm

In my musings and thoughts I have wondered why we are attracted to one or the other person. One sex or the other, or both. Why and what turns me on or off about each of them. Lets start with the definitions I grew up with. I only asked this question once as a adolescent as my father would have put me into next year if I keep at it. So I asked once. What is the difference between bi sexual and gay? At the time the word was queer and was in vogue. The answer was: "If you suck cock and like getting fucked up the ass you are queer." According to father knows best there is no deferential between the two or any shade of gray. You are just preverted and sick and should be put down like a sick animal. Move forward to today. The definition I hear is that gay is if you are attracted to men pretty much exclusively as is lesbian is attracted to women. Bi sexual is you like both sexes non exclusive. And of corse hetro sexual is well, hetro sexual. CD's and trans women tranvistites are in a different league all their own. All these different ilks thus the rainbow effect. To me the best definition I have ever herd was gays and lesbians are mostly exclusive to each others gender. Bi sexual is one that is attracted to the person not their gender. As for me, and I have said this before; I love women and I love and absolutely adore transexuals. There are some smooth shaved skin males that do turn me on. Its rare but I can not ignore that desire completely. It all comes down to the person and how you as a person relate to them. Despite societies morals there is no right or wrong. There just is. The caveat to this as is with all settings is how you act or your decorum.
I must confess I do get turned on by the feel of shaved smooth bare skin on skin. There is just something about it that lights me up. Of corse being sparked and connected by your partner is paramount to that end. It is at best a difficult and delicate dance that intimacy weaves. This is further amplified when there are more than two people. It is an exponential multiplier with each additional person. Getting and being comfortable with your partner or partners can almost be as much fun as the sex that follows, all most. When you get to know a little something about the other person you develop sort of sixth sense. It can make it a little easier to second guess their wants, needs, and desires thus heightening your encounter. Of corse your reactions will get better with every encounter you have with your partner. With some this sixth sense can almost become scary where you find them ands you responding before you ask. Granted, there are times that guttural animal intercourse can be a lot of fun. Drop trowel chow, pow, and wow. But getting intimate and and learning something about your partner offers another facet to the equation of love making.

Co conspirators of attraction.

The number one motivator to attraction next to the fire in you eyes is anticipation. All your being is heightened. Every nerve is excited to the max. All the thoughts of fanciful illusions are at play right up to the moment you touch. That touch is the reality of the moment. It is either what your fantasies are or it is not. Usually it is not as you fantasize and some times it far and above what you though it would be. That is always a nice surprise. If your partner is tuned into you it is guaranteed to be good. If you can be tuned into your partner well then something special will happen between you both. Houston, we have lift off.

Turning down the volume on your head chatter. Do this one thing and you will hear. You will hear your partners call. Their desires will be spoken. Their dislikes will be heard. Being still in the moment. Not the past, not the future but now. Enjoying what is. Right at this moment. The silence is deffing. To some people silence hurts their ears. For them they must medicate with many things to do and or lots of sounds all at once. To others it is a respite from the grind and the silence is an island of calm to regenerate your spirt.

The sense of touch upon the skin is at times underrated. For it can be a multiplier of the sublime if employed deftly. A way of sending notes of passion to the nerve endings.

Being still in the moment. Allowing the moment to be. Stillness goes hand in hand with Silence. They work together as any good partnership should.
1 comment
The Journey
Posted:Aug 2, 2013 1:54 am
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2017 11:05 pm

They say life is a journey and who am I to argue with they. Bi the way who are they?
To my way of thinking you are on this journey called life and they have nothing to do with it. So why do we some times consider what they would think. The only opinions that really counts is yours and those you consider close. Because you are living it (life) not they.

I have cum to the conclusion as I faux tong and cheek I enjoy almost all of it. So why should I deny my self pleasure for my self and those I come in contact with while I am still here on this earth. I can understand that people like to place them selves in a box. After all we are born in a box, live in a box, and die in a box. Sorta plant your flag making the statement "This is who I am". "This is what I want". Even if their not really sure. It's all cool. For me I want to experience almost all of it in addition to what I have experienced to date. And I have experienced quite a lot in my sixty two years on this third rock from the sun. With all of this experience the realization sets in that I'm in love with lust, pure unmitigated lust. With a deep sense of passion to go along with it.
I am of the belief that I love top, like bottom, side, up, down, and in between. Almost every way but lose. Under the right circumstances with the right people in the right time nothing is impossible. (cue music; dum, dum, da, da, dum, dum, da).

Have you ever wondered why sex is so popular? Besides the fact of procreation of the species. Sex is one of the most entertaining ways to get close to, see and feel the spark of creation that is us. Think about it. When we climax if the timing is just right we sense that shutter that is the spark of creation within us. Not unlike a star being born in a universe. And we feel one with all that is. If only for a moment. That feeling is so powerful and satisfying that if we leave our selves open, we constantly crave it.

To date I have never been given a good reason for why we praise war and condemn sex. The standard explanation is: "We can't just have every one running around fucking each other. There has to be order and control of the masses other wise we will revert into savages and where would civilization be?" Wait a minute Bob a louie. I have never seen any one fuck them selves to death. They may have felt like it but they really didn't die from the act of intercourse. War on the other hand has murdered countless souls in the name of one dogma or another. Propagated by religion or some government entity for their own agenda. Which is not necessarily in alignment with the well being of its citizenry. It's all an undercover job. Tan only the parts that show. Hypocrites are us. All to deny the most basic fundamental part of life. They say there is no rhyme or reason to it. When in fact the universe screams most assuredly their is a reason and a rhythm to it all. You have only to be still and know that it is.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programing.

There are very few truths out there and many beliefs. One truth I have seen in life is every one deserves to be loved. And love has no bounds. Often we confuse love with lust. Lust on the down stroke and love on the up stroke. Lust-love, lust-love, lust-love pick up the tempo, you get the picture. So much for comic relief. However, there is a grain of truth in there. Once we discover lust we fall in love with it. Unconditional love does not exist, there is only love. An example of unconditional love that is often cited is that of a pet. Most closely associated with dogs. As long as you feed them they love you. Take away the food and their gone. Right to the next person with food they can get. Sorta thanks see ya, I'm outta here. And to some extent human beings do likewise. As long as we stay open and pliable we can feel love. Its when we harden our harts and close our selves off and can no longer feel. And Love requires feelings to be
Many times we put conditions on love where as lust is free wheelin' with no chains to bind. I think we have it backwards. Love should have no conditions on it. For when you love some body their happiness is paramount. And if you are not a selfish person you takes second fiddle to their wants. The rub comes when you make promises and they are not keep. Here is where those two wild and crazy brothers Ego and Jealousy go on a rampage. And things quickly get out of hand. And you feel cheated when in fact you are deluded and set your self up for failure. When you lose respect for each other then it's time to walk away, hopefully parting as friends.

Another truth that is misaligned is you have a relationship with everybody you come in contact with. It's a mater of how much of your time and self you are willing to invest in that relationship. Relationships should be built on the pillars of trust, respect, and communication. Most important is communication. For once communication is compromised trust and respect erode and erode quickly.

Respect is always earned never given. You can command respect but not demand respect.

You can never really own another human being. The only exception to that is unless they give their expressed consent.

Sexuality, ya hear it all the time "Man she is so sexy". "He is so hot". And lets face it, sex sells. Sells everything from cars to bars and all points in-between. Sex and love go hand in hand often times off into the sunset. Love, sex, and lust three brothers or sisters depending on your take that mankind revolves around. I know, I know I have deliberately left out Hate, Jealousy, Envy, Greed, and Gluttony. Their the dark sick side of man and a disease mankind is afflicted with. Now Lust being the special that Love and Sex don't talk about too often. Though sex sorta understands lust. Lust is like the Van Go of the three. Where passion and often times insanity co-habiate. Sex is for the most part detached and a mater of fact and by the numbers. Love is the emotional one and the dreamer, but an optimums at hart. Love figures it can cure all and anything is possible if you only believe. "Dorothy go get the red slippers".

The difference between man and woman. First off let me make it very clear Woman is the cradle of all human kind. From her the re-generation of society is possible. Man does the shake and bake and I helped. Woman is the one that generates new life from mans spark. If you know anything about oriental philosophy and chinese medicine or have ever seen a Kung Fu movie then you have seen the symbol of Yin and Yang. Both man and woman according to philosophy of Yen and Yang are of varying degrees of both. Yin is the female side while Yang is the male side. The two make up the whole and is divided into four quadrants. Yin is the female, passive, negative principle in nature. The moon, shaded orientation, north or shady side of a hill. Yang (pronounced Young by the Chinese) is positive, active, male principle in nature, south or sunny side of a hill, and north of a river. All life is made up of varying amounts of one or the other. Yin-Yang are opposites. They complement and counter each other. The one constance of both is flow. This flow is a undulating ebb of energy between the two poles. under "normal" circumstances this flow is balanced. It is when we get out of balance and the flow is interrupted that problems occur. If you want to delve further into it you can look up 5 Element Theory written by Tsou Yen. My thorium here is that some people have more Yen than Yang and vise versa. This goes to traits for lack of a better word. As an example look at the human form. The body does not have exact symmetry. One side is softer and larger than the other. Left side is Yin (Female). The right side is Yang (Male). Having been a body builder, body builders strive for symmetry. We are judged on how close to perfect symmetry are you. The balance and flow of Yen and yang has a profound effect on how your body reflects it's self. I think that this balance of Yen and Yang has not been seriously considered as a prime motivator to the attraction of alternative life styles and their varying degrees of intensity. My life is the only bench mark I have to measure this theory by with any kind of context. Had you talked with me two years ago the attraction to the male form would have been detestable and vile. Today not so. All of a sudden I do find CD's, Trainees, and some shaven men attractive and desirable. I have asked myself this question of why often to no avail. Then I started considering the yen and yang of it and some of the trials and tribulations I have gone through. There are some crossroads and intersections that stand out. This along with new medical info squarely puts the cross hairs on my theory. about three weeks ago I was informed that I have been afflicted with a rare disease from birth. A hormonal imbalance from my mother that was transferred to me in the womb. This imbalance causes enlarged male breast (Oh Goody yuck). It is prevalent at hood and adolescent. Then becomes dormant until between the age of sixty and eighty. Add to this going through 26 weeks of treatment for hepatitis C which ravages the body and throws everything out of whack. I worked for a solid year with a ferocity and intensity to build my self back up with very little gain. I can not begin to express my frustration at this lack of progress. I used to work out with Frank Zain and the Weedier bros. I used to be buff as a young man. Now I am the Stay Puff marshmallow guy. I still have inner strength I press 185 but you would be hard pressed to tell from the looks of my body. That and the fact I am growing fucking tits quite frankly had me depressed and demoralized. Thats when I began to understand that this theory might be possible. To date I am on T shots and a special diet to limit the estrogen. And all estrogen is is fat. And when I can afford it do acupuncture at Two Frogs. It occurred to me a couple of days ago that this disability may be an opportunity. To turn a negative into a positive. I owe this courage to a friend who is going through something similar and his ability to embrace it. I have come to the rationalization I like anal sex as well as oral. Of corse not all the time. (Gotta go to the bathroom every now and then.) That's a joke. This puts me in a special place according to some people with more experience in this life style. I have been told that with natural breasts I would be considered as a true she male. If I am not twisted up enough now this just ups the anti. I have never had a fancy to ware women's clothes. I am old school simple kinda guy. I want something cold to drink and necked too look
at. This may afford me the opportunity to go south of the border every now and then just to feel what it is like. I don't know maybe I am. As an aside their are some fine trainees out there that don't want to play with men that I am dyeing to play with, but not the main reason nor a good one. Sorta like an Emersonian way of looking at the positive side of life. You know I keep thinking it can't get much weirder but it does.
Despite my jovial comic attitude which is an effort to stay on a positive note when I could be very easy to be depressed confuses some and bewilders others. I am at a loss to explain it all. If it were not for humor and good friends I would have though maybe I should have committed ritual suppukui for dishonoring my families name. Na that an't right. And given my Catholic up bringing it would never happen. But thats what happens when a Judaea Christian up bringing melds with Buddhist/Shinto philosophy.

There are times that my imagination runs wild and almost uncontrollable.It is like I am traveling at warp eight all the time. Having such an active mind it is difficult to get every thing out in context. I have been told I would have no problems improving with Robin Williams. I am not too sure of that but the complement strokes my ego nicely.

Some times my inner ego plays games with me. "Now here he is, you know him, you love him, a great humanitarian, and a close personal friend of mine for twenty five years." Kinkier than a roll of barb wire. More fun than a high pressure emma. Able to meld minds without a thought. You know him, you love him, you can't live without him. Star of stage and screen heeeers ME! If I don't believe in my self how can you.

Share something with all of you. Very profound and shifted my perception of life and being.

"All the powers in the universe are already ours. It is we who have put our hands before our eyes and cry that it is dark. We are what our thoughts have made us; so take care about what you think. Words are secondary. Thoughts live; they travel far. When an idea exclusively occupies the mind, it is transformed into an actual physical or mental state. We reap what we sow. We are the makers of our own fate. None else has the blame, none has the praise. There is no help for you outside of yourself; you are the creator of the universe. Like a silk worm you have built a cocoon around yourself... Burst your own cocoon and come out as the beautiful butterfly, as the free soul. Then alone you will see Truth.
In one word, this ideal is that you are divine. God sits in the temple of every human body." Swami Vivekananda, (1836-1902)

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